Am I worthy?

In today's day and age, it's no secret that the vast, vast majority of us have decreased self confidence, low self esteem in general, and oftentimes are fearful of failure. In the religious aspect, this also takes a toll on many...including me.

Why? Simple. Because if in our lives we don't feel confident around human beings who are indeed fallible and have endless amount of issues, why in the world would we ever feel ourselves worthy of God? He is the omnipresence, a benevolent figure, he sacrificed Jesus Christ so that we could live IN sin and could still be forgiven for them.

It's almost too hard to wrap your head around that someone of this magnitude could love me. Could accept me. Could take away all of my transgressions in the blink of an eye.

But he does. And that is something that I MUST absolutely start to believe day in and day out. I truly believe that a major barrier to my faith is that I simply don't feel good enough for God...broken...sometimes just "unworthy". Am I ashamed of some of the things that I have or have not done in my life? Of course I am--there's no one in this world that can claim otherwise. The difference is that I sometimes just think that it's a permanent black mark against me....envisioning a God that is angry, one that is vengeful.

But that is soooooooooooo not the case.

God loves me for me. Jesus gave his life for me. Wow...that's humbling even typing it out. But I have to believe it. I have to understand it. I have to appreciate it. Without that, my faith will be nothing but a glass roof. Sure, it may hold up under the naked eye, but eventually it WILL break...But it's not an easy task at all. I must "feel" this.

Do you ever get these feelings that God is just too big, too perfect, too overwhelming for you to feel worthy? Continue Reading »

It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy...

Remember that rockin' song? Well I certainly do...and it SO holds true for me. I AM my own worst enemy. I allow for anger and resentment to creep in...for callousness and bitterness to mount up. And I realize that by allowing that power over my life, I'll never get to where I need to be in my quest of faith.

The hardest thing...is that it is SO easy to allow it to happen.

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It's a Wonderful Life

I have been meaning to say something about this, but time has gotten the best of me lately it seems. Last week was my birthday--my 36th birthday. Now, I am not a person again who is flashy or showy, so birthdays to me sometimes can be a cause of embarrassment because of what some people make as a fuss over them. I'd rather it just be a courteous "Happy Birthday" and move on. If you'd like to get me a card, great. If you'd like to give me some money, even better. :)

Over the past year or so I have really become addicted to Crackbook, er, Facebook. It has been a wonderful place to get reacquainted with friends and family members, as well as a means of upkeep on good, close relationships I have had for a while now. For a while there I was basically a "collector", trying to gain friends left and right, even adding people that I may know through a friend of a friend and even TV personalities. For all intents and purposes, I was a friend whore.

As of the last several months, I de-friended many people that I either hadn't talked to even as friends on Facebook or just had no connection with really whatsoever, and that pretty much dropped the number of people I had on there in half. Slowly over time I have been picky about the people I ask to be friends with, and so on and so forth.

Now, you may be asking what this has to do with anything. Well--considering that one of the things that people do is have their birthdays listed on the home page and Facebook is good about telling you who is upcoming, I really do try to swing by a friend's page and wish them a happy birthday in a timely manner.

But I will be honest with you...I really thought that when my day rolled around I would get maybe 10, at most 20 wishing me well.  I really thought that for the most part people wouldn't take the time for me or just in general.

At the end of the day, I had received well over 120 replies on my wall wishing me Happy Birthday.

These sentiments also combined with several emails and calls from friends/family members, along with two family parties to celebrate "my day" so to speak.

And it made me think...It really IS a wonderful life.

I hearken back to one of my favorite movies of all time, the so aptly named "It's A Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart, and I will be honest that I have been there like George Bailey was--questioning my place in life, what would the world be like without me in it, basically self-pity and loathing. But through some pretty intense thinking and seeking my way back to God, I realize now the impact I have had and hope to continue to have on many of my friends and family members. I am SO blessed to have the support system I do and all of the great individuals that show me love and concern that they do. It challenges me each and every day to be thankful for all that I have been given and that every person is a gift from God. This again is a lesson I need to be disciplined in--remembering the broad spectrum of things that Jesus Christ has done for me to allow me to have all of these wonderful things in my life, and that when the chips seem to be down, even if I don't get 1 reply next year on my facebook page, that I know I'll always have one waiting in my inbox....from God.

Who knows...maybe next year you'll see me running down the streets of Westfield on Christmas Eve shouting "Merry Christmas you old building and Loan!!!"

Thank you God...for everything. It really IS a wonderful life.

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I SWEAR!!!

If there is one vice that I know I will have a hard time getting rid of or at least decreasing, it's swearing. I am absolutely fantastic around family members and my boys--it's not as if many times I even have to say fake words--i.e. freakin', heck, dangit, shoot, etc. that seem to be the "ok" way of saying things.

But around my friends, my wife, and some times even just talking aloud, I swear...A lot. And it's not some times just casual "cussing", it's the full on "effin" everything with interspersed words that George Carlin many years ago typified as the "no-nos".

I understand that for me to be a Christian that this will absolutely have to subside. Ephesians 4:29 tells us, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." I also understand that many times I am undercutting my self by cussing a lot, because to me those words some times come out because of not "using words" effectively, and thereby promotes ignorance on many fronts.

To be honest, though, this will be difficult. Many of my friends have potty mouths, many of my co-workers, and so the peer pressure end of things, the idea that "I will be come like the friends I choose" starts to seep in ever so slightly. So does that mean that I scrap my heap of friends and find others that don't swear? Well....no, that's not the answer. The answer is that my heart, mind, and soul has to believe that swearing is not what Jesus would care for us to do and that it is not a good steward of the Lord.

Perhaps that does mean that I need to start making a habit of trying intentionally to really work on those "fake" words as an intermediary to at least baby step my way from cussing and swearing. I honestly don't even think about it some times, which again scares me, because that's not what I want to 1) relate to other people and 2) it's not something that I should be proud of especially in this quest for faith.

So, I should probably get frickin' started, shouldn't I?

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Peer Pressure isn't just for teens

It's hard to believe.

It's not only hard to believe in existence of metaphysical beings, but it's even harder to tell people about it. I find it incredibly ironic that the vast, vast majority of individuals that are atheists or basically evolutionists or just simply question a lot of theological references will go out of their way to argue their point to you or basically mock anyone who is a believer of any religion--especially Christians.

There are a lot of unanswered questions in everyone's life, and I get it--the question mark of where we came from, where we end up, and the journey and decisions we make in life making that possible is something that can be a joke to those who say there's no possible way that God exists because there are so many unknowns. And that is what the crux of all this is--the unknown. If there were evidence to the contrary--real time miracles that can be attributed to God's presence--while there would still be naysayers and people questioning even if God sat down next to them and had a conversation, some of the unknown could at least be cleared up.

But the thing that is hardest for anyone to fully grasp, and a struggle for me as a whole, is faith. Believing in what isn't there. Working a life that is filled with intent on something that you've never seen or will see with your living eyes. Making decisions and sacrifices that are not self-indulgent, but rather selfless based on principles that we take wholeheartedly as The Way.

Difficult doesn't begin to describe it.

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Matt Bays is simply amazing

My family and I attend Northview Christian Life Church in Carmel, Indiana. We have attended there as a family for almost 3 years, and my wife has ties to it for almost 20 years. This has been the church where I have been awakened, been fed, and been the one to propel this very blog into action.

However, it goes even deeper than that. The worship leader, Matt Bays, is a person that I really can't say that there are too many people like him out there. A passionate singer and songwriter, I read his book, "The Blind Writer" last year, and it is one of those motivational books that again is a main reason why I am writing right here today.

Matt looks beyond the norms of religion and talks about his own experiences, the world around him, what he has been taught, what he believes, and the challenges we all face as budding Christians--he doesn't just settle for "as it is written", but looks beyond that and discusses things in a frank and entertaining manner that has hit home with me in many ways. However, even when I thought Matt was an inspiration to begin with, he raises the bar himself this weekend that again motivates me as a person, father, and Christian.

In our service, Matt stopped after several songs and shared his personal feelings that he had during the "Prayer Experience" we had during the reset campaign. While doing this, you could feel the raw emotion, the pain, the hope, the love. He broke down in discussing intimate details about his family, and I just sat there, listening intently, taking it all in.

It brought me to tears.

Now, it should be known that one of my biggest pet peeves about myself is that I don't show emotion very well. It's even translated to my oldest son who seems to be following in my footsteps of the non-emotion. Some may say that's just men in general, but I know my true heart, and things I know I should be feeling at certain times in terms of empathy, love, unconditionality, just aren't there. But it is moments like these, where Matt Bays--even though I have never even HAD a face to face conversation with him--shows me that my emotions are "coming along", and it's that kind of thing that keeps me positive that my heart is slowly turning to what it needs to be to really take these steps towards being one with God. I am not saying that a month from now you'll see me blubbering hysterically when a Hallmark commercial comes on or that if you tell me you've accomplished something that I will cross body block you with a hug, but I do know that the coldness and bitterness that armored my heart is starting to show some cracks, and that's all I ask for.

Thank you Matt...for again showing me what a great God we have. I love Northview, and it will be the place I call my Church home for as long as they'll let me in there. :)

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