Hypocrisy

I think one of the biggest things that stands in my way of knowing that I believe in the existence of God is actually an irony of sorts--it is in fact the hypocrisy of Christians. I have had individuals in my life that I have felt are extremely over the top in terms of their claim and almost "attention getting" in their belief of Jesus Christ, sometimes almost goading a person on, and yet these are some of the people that I would contend are the most shallow, condescending, "UN"Christianlike people that I have ever met; they can be overly catty, gossipy, mean, and basically the things that are a paradox to what Jesus said we should be like. Now, keep in mind that I KNOW that I am not perfect and I KNOW I have a million things to work on in general, especially in my faith. But this is a key reason why it seems sometimes I get caught spinning my wheels in my evolution as a believer of Christ.

You see, I am not someone who is flashy, a showman, someone who basically makes a name for himself by showing off anything at all. So when I see individuals doing things that seem a bit "more" than the norm, I question...why? Why now? What are they doing?

Is it right for me to be so cynical?

Perhaps not. I understand that Jesus did not live with those that were ones that were the utmost believers, affluent, or people that basically had their road paved to Heaven. No...he opted to be with the dregs of society, those in need, to care for them, to show them that the way of God was what would eternally save them. So, in that case, it is an irony that those that seemingly are in most need of God tout him the way they do, because to me...that reeks of the very things that Jesus said are not important, and not pure.

You see, to me, the person that accepts Christ for who he is should be humble about it. I understand that there is a time and place for testimony and witnessing as well as being faithful to your faith, but this also should be warranted--not something that is put repeatedly in your face, as in "Hey, look at me, I believe in God and I am the bomb because of it lalala". It is kind of like the scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade--it was assumed by the villains that the Holy Grail was something brilliantly golden and shiny, something fit for a king; but the real Grail (I know, I know, it was just a movie) was something very normal, very bland, very even.

Which is why there are some Christians that I know that give me hope--they let their actions do the speaking of why they are Christians--through good deeds, good words, good tidings, and overall a "feeling" of purity. They don't need to wear a sign that says "CHRIST IS AWESOME", but rather they continue to be humble in his name and work towards the goal of making themselves better every day.

I understand that people will always let me down if I look for them to be my reasoning to believe in Christ. I understand that this journey I am on of seeking is something I can only do on my own; it just makes it extremely hard for me to feel as if I am moving forward when I see individuals seem to use God more as a tool for their own attention and without true action to back up anything. This may sound harsh, but I would think that a person who parades around their spirituality is worse than someone who may say they do not believe, because at least the latter is being a bit more honest about themselves rather than "forcing" themselves and others to believe differently.

Hypocrisy will never go away, I understand that. But for me to be able to make the honest, true steps, it will have to be a thing that I can get past and focus on my own thoughts and deeds. It's difficult, because it is so easy to fall into a trap of going "See, this is why I have a problem with it..."

But again...I have to continue to tell myself, "My spiritual experience is MY responsibility, not anyone else's." Without that thinking, I'll never get to where I need to be. Continue Reading »

Talking with God

One of the things that I recently completed was called the "Prayer Experience" at our church. This encompassed taking an MP3 player and listening to the different "stages" through out the church, reflecting, thinking, and praying. There were some sections that I felt really moved and thought about the things in my life, and others that didn't affect me so much--which was to be expected. 

As I went through this individual experience, I thought to myself, "When and why do you talk to God?" There was a sermon a while back that discussed prayer and its use, and one of the things that I know I use (and maybe abuse) it for is in times of need. I don't "talk" to God, I pray to him when I need something. Is that wrong? 

Some would say no--that prayer in the first place is a good start--but the feeling that I get is that in order for me to be a true Christian, I need to recognize that talking to God, whether it is daily or at least on a more consistent basis--is what will get me to a better place in my life. I won't lie that even when I have tried to pray when things aren't "desperate", I still find myself asking God to help me with certain things--be it understanding, patience, grace, or other avenues that I feel I need assistance in. I don't think I have ever just called up God to say "Hey big man, I am doing awesome--thanks for everything!" and that be it.


So, the question is--do I rely on prayer as a form for asking for help only or is it because I don't truly feel the blessings that I have to be able to recognize that I should thank God for these things? Am I so "tunnel visioned" that I feel that this world/myself/others are ones that are responsible for the things in my life, or is just being again unaware that I should pray at the best of times?


I think it's a little of both. What I do know is that my pride some times gets the best of me, and that prayer is used as a desperation move--a last resort, a pleading of sorts. Otherwise, I place my problems and my accomplishments squarely on my own shoulders. I know that in order to become one with God that I need to place all of these onto him.



One thing that our pastor challenged us to do is to talk with God every day, whether it be for 5 minutes or just as a check in. I have failed this, because again I am not putting priority on my relationship with God, and sometimes I just plain forget. When do you talk to God? Are you like me and only focus on times of need? Or if you do it at all times, how did you get yourself to the point of being able to recognize that the two way communication with God should be at all times? I would appreciate some insight, because in order for me to start to fully grasp the relationship with God, I know this is a key foundation point. 



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Is it really as simple as pushing reset?

One of the main reasons I decided to start writing about my faith and the struggle within is because of a series we had at our church recently called, "Reset". What the point of this series was really hit home with me--the literal "reset" of the things that you have been taught throughout the years about God, Jesus, the Bible, and other "Christian" things so that we do not become mired in functional fixations and can continue to evolve as Christians.  It was during several of these sermons where I had one of those "V8" moments that while I understood Christians needed to constantly be thinking about the things they believed in, my ideologies weren't even complete enough to really formulate a "reset" on many fronts.

Is it really as simple as pushing reset? I mean, let's face it, as human beings, we are total packages of what we have learned as children and through our experiences growing up. Some people cannot simply shake the "bad" of what they have dealt with, much to the benefit of the psychiatry industry. Other people are able to move on with their lives, start anew, and make a better life for themselves and others around them, regardless of what has happened previously. However, I still truly believe that with the great lengths some people are able to get to, there will always be a shell, a core, a feeling, of the experiences they have had. In other words, we are inevitably written on in Sharpie markers and not necessarily pencils that can be erased. 

So then--what does that have to do with me? Well, considering that much of my life was spent in churches that I didn't want to be in, didn't feel fed by anything, and many times resented the entire idea of church itself, it still makes it a very hard thing to overcome, despite the blessings and "God things" I have experienced in the most recent years of my life. I have felt blessed by having two healthy children, a wife that is my best friend, and having financial security through hard work and great opportunities. 

But there's the rub. 

I still don't feel a "oneness" with God, a joy from within, an acceptance of Jesus being my savior. Do I believe that God exists? Yes. Do I believe that Jesus Christ could be my savior? Yes. Do I think that there are things in this world that can only be explained through divine intervention? Absolutely. But do I also think that science has a pretty good argument for some things? Yep. And do I think that hypocrisy in Christianity sours world views and forms obstacles towards my belief systems--you betcha.

So, therefore, I was able to name my blog with some creative alliteration (Well, I certainly thought so anyway) and some pun work as well; I accept religion, but with exceptions. So does that mean that ultimately I don't accept religion because I put disclaimers on it? Maybe. But I don't deny it either. 

Here we are. Several rambling paragraphs in. I don't expect for this to be something that is easy; it shouldn't be. I truly believe that Christians should understand exactly what their commitment is to God and I think that there shouldn't be such a thing as blind faith. For me, it isn't as simple as pushing reset for the overall conceptualization--but this still has given me the chance to basically reset and start breaking things down, trying to understand myself and the spiritual world around me, with the point of making sense of it all. Impossible you say? Maybe. But at least something to strive for. Yessirree.

I think, therefore I am; at this point, I need to think A LOT so I can be sure what I am. But this is a great start--I feel good about talking about my belief system and publicly discussing my thought processes, my experiences, so that it is something that not only I can reach out to the world to get some perspective, but also to hold myself accountable for this journey. The time is NOW. 

Giddy up.

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Oh...my...God...

This is not a blog about asking for help. It's not something that I am doing because I want for atheists to talk me down or convince me there is no God; likewise, it's not for Christians to try and sway my ideologies and use it as a forum to promote their own beliefs. 

This is a blog that I am doing because I need to. I need to express my innermost thoughts about the walk of faith that I have teetered on for what seems like eternity. It is a basis for me to talk about my feelings about my life, my family, my friends, and the spiritual journey that goes along with it, sometimes with praise, sometimes with disdain. 

It should be a raw examination of my fluctuating soul's path. Does this mean my posts and thoughts will always be pretty? Nope. Does it mean that it will reach the darkest reaches of my mind? Nope. But I will try with all of my might to be honest with myself, honest with my feelings, and to do it in a way that others who may be struggling with the idea of faith and their spiritual experience can understand that they are not the only one out there who questions, rejoices, condemns, and who thinks and rethinks common and not-so-common practices within Christianity.


What's the goal of this then? Ultimately, is to form a true belief structure: to define my life. To find out in my own experience if Jesus Christ is something that I can take that enormous leap of faith towards and live my life in the way that I believe he has entrusted to do. I would love to say that this will certainly have a happy ending and my joy will be found in the Holy Spirit; but I would be a fool to blindly say that it will--it has been a struggle for me and probably will be for a while. 


Please join me in my journey. I look forward to discussing things with each and every one of you. Thanks for reading. 





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