Putting yourself "out there"

I will admit it. Throughout the years, I have built up walls around myself. A fortress, if you will. And no, it's not for playing with my lego collection or to hide from everything, but it's more of a protection than anything else. That "invisible" fence that basically keeps myself at bay from everyone and everything.

Why? Is it because I feel like I am better than everyone else? Far from it. It is mostly due to a lifetime of feeling that the trust I have in people just never works out, and therefore hurts me in the end. So, to keep myself from getting hurt again, I am less likely to put myself out there to be vulnerable and more likely to basically either not involve myself with a person or stop at a certain time to avoid the "point of no return". I know I am not alone with this feeling, but the thing that continues to eat at me is that in a journey of spirituality, this is something that proves to be a 10 foot tall obstacle in moving forward.

This goes back to emotion and anger as well. It's far easier to become angry with someone than it is to trust them and move forward. But if I am to become closer to Jesus, I MUST be more willing to put myself out there and not be comfortable behind my little fortress. Will it mean I could get hurt more? Yes. Will it mean that I could really fall farther from grace with the potential for backlash? Yes. But will it mean that I am doing the right thing though as well? Yes.

With this type of mentality I have held, I find it very hard to forgive individuals, much in due part to the fact that there are very little percentages of individuals that make it past the moat and the front gate into my heart and mind, so the moment that things really get out of hand and is something I become disappointed with or upset with, I tend to build up my walls even higher at the same time.

I can't continue living like this, but I don't know how to make it different. I want to protect myself, but I know that God doesn't care what MY wants are, but wants to show me that his way will allow me happiness regardless of getting hurt--with the power of Christ, I should be able to withstand anything.

I can say it, but can I do it?